I find it cliche of me to start blog posts apologizing for not having written in a while. To my readers, I owe you no apology because most of you follow me on other social mediums and you’re fairly updated on my shenanigans. I’ve had a lot thoughts recently circling around in my head and I haven’t had much success expressing them so I figured a blog post would be in order.

First, anxiety. I have a ton of it. Many may not realize but my social anxiety is pretty detrimental to my everyday life. I’m constantly paranoid about what people think of me. Even those closest to me are not immune to my brain… in fact, they’re the worst victims. I’ll give a few examples: My husband Robert. I’ve basically become incredibly terrified of him for several reasons… all of which are not his fault. He’s incredibly loving, understanding and accepting of my ever-changing brain. I’m terrified to spend money because, especially lately, I’ve been the cause of a lot of our financial problems with my tendency to overspend. The funny thing is, in my brain, I’m doing well with my spending. I’m not as spend-thrifty as I used to be. I tend to spend money with the worst timing ever, and I don’t communicate to him properly. When I see a text from him my heart races because he doesn’t text often… but when he does it usually means I’ve done something wrong and it gives me anxiety… when, in reality, he’s more than likely on the other side not angry at all. I mean, sometimes I’m sure he is angry, but ultimately he loves me and doesn’t hold ill will toward me. Another thing about him that I love is how open he is to me having friendships. He doesn’t require as much attention as I do, so he’s perfectly content with me going out at times with friends. In my mind, however, I think he resents me for having fun without him. He honestly doesn’t care. Everything about him that’s perfect, I’m anxious about. I don’t get it. Ultimately I believe that I’m reflecting my own insecurities onto him, which I need to stop doing already. My other close friends may be able to identify with this as well. I keep reminding myself that I’m damn lucky to have a partner in life, for the rest of my life, who supports me and grows with me, and really, truly is my “better half.” That means, however, that I get to work through the “fucked up Jason brain” while he represents my best qualities… but I’m progressing in leaps and bounds lately, and I have Robert’s unwaivering love to thank for that. He loves my insanity, my heart and my soul, and I’m forever with him, and I feel amazing in knowing that.

My anxiety about friendships has always resembled this: I used to believe that everyone came into my life for a reason… like, I had to fix them, or help them with some problem… and then once that purpose was fulfilled, they would no longer require me in their lives. I’ve done a pretty damn good job with this self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve used it so well, in fact, that I tend to push everyone who gets remotely close to me as far away as possible. There have been a few who have survived, but their journey wasn’t easy. I’ve made it hell on them, but they loved me enough to see me through my issues. I’ve lost a lot of great people due to my reflection of self-hatred onto them. I didn’t think I was worth being friends with without a purpose… and now, looking back at my actions, I regret having done this. No bridges are truly ever burned, however, and I know that if people are to be in my life, it will happen, one way or another. I’m not completely out of the woods on this however… I’ve learned within the past year to give all new potential friends this disclaimer up front, to try their best to see my through my crazy times in hopes that they are friends for something other than a reason… because friends exist not only for reason, but also for a season, or a lifetime. The friendships I seek most are the lifetime friendships… but the seasons aren’t bad either, as long as they run their course without my fucked-up mind interfering. I can name most of my lifelong friendships off the top of my head… Andrew, Pete, Lane, Katie, Dustin, Jim, Robert, Matt, William, Shanti, Nicole, Amber… there may be some I’ve missed… but I feel very confident in the ones I’ve mentioned so far… there are may others in development, however: Shanti’s boyfriend Cory is amazing, and I’ve worked through a lot of self-hatred to be able to see past my own stupidity to find that he’s an awesome guy who  I want in my life forever. Shanti better not fuck up that relationship, hah!

Most recently I’ve become friends with two new guys who I’ve known “online” for a while. We were part of a collab channel on YouTube and have recently been hanging out quite a bit (5 nights in a row, actually). When I find people I really, truly, love, I want them around me constantly at first to speed through all of the normal friendship crap that gets in the way of developing what can be a great potential friendship. Until recently I had forgotten about being just a gay guy, and loving myself. I’ve spent the past 2 years losing weight, and with that comes a certain level of self-disgust that hinders ones ability to love oneself. Weight loss doesn’t feel that important to me right now… but living a healthy lifestyle, and learning to love who I am does. The reason Xander and Brian are so important to my development of my self-love is because they’re part of the “bear” community. For those who don’t understand, a bear is a gay guy who is a bit larger (not necessarily fat) and has body hair… something I’ve hated about myself for a while. Not only are they helping me embrace this part of myself, but they are reminding me that it’s okay to have fun and just throw caution to the wind. I feel free to be me around them… I don’t have to be healthy, I don’t have to fix their problems, I don’t have to be a leader… I can just be me, and I love that I have found friends like this. They don’t degrade the quality of the friendships I’ve already formed, but they remind me that I can love myself, without judgement… and like the music I like, go out late at night, and just be me. I feel free around them, and I have them to thank for reminding me that I can be Jason around EVERYONE in my life… not just new people. The most important people in my life have all become lifelong friends because they, at one time, made me feel this way…  I look forward to bridging the gap between our “crew” and the rest of my friendships… I like everyone to know one another. It makes me happy.

Recently I’ve been contemplating my brain chemistry. Most people in my life don’t hear what I say about my thought processes, and the physical things going on in my head (how my brain literally feels at times). I suspect that there is something going on in my brain that is currently undiagnosed, but I don’t know what it is. It has been getting a lot worse lately, and, I won’t lie, I’ve been more inebriated than usual lately to stifle this. I’m getting better at controlling the bad thoughts and feelings within, but sometimes they get incredibly overwhelming and send me into a deep depression from which I find it difficult to recover. My only alternative is to do something I love doing, or talk to someone… but when this happens late at night, that sometimes isn’t an option, so I turn to other means to slow my racing thoughts, and it has proven quite successful. I’m beginning to suspect that I may be bipolar, but I have no way of testing this until I can get health insurance through my job. My “hills and valleys” are increasing in size and I’m beginning to actually see signs of mania (which is quite difficult to diagnose). Lucky for me I’m constantly cognizant of my feelings, frighteningly so, to the point that I say out loud: “My brain has a pain running down the center, and it’s making me feel incredibly negative right now… I don’t know where it came from, but I can feel the pain, like a bolt of lightning in my brain.” Yeah, I say this to people… and they think I’m nuts. I don’t want to be bipolar, but I need to find out what’s wrong with me so I can take the proper steps to become as healthy as possible (since bipolar is basically a degenerative condition, especially in the case of Bipolar II patients.

I digress…

This post isn’t turning out as long as I expected, but then again they never do. I must say, however, that my views on relationships is rapidly evolving. I no longer feel the need to fix anyone. I want to work on me, and me alone. If I’m able to finally stop reflecting my negativity onto others, I feel that I’ll lead a much happier life full of long-lasting and meaningful relationships. It all comes back to center, though. I must keep myself in check and warn those around  me to help me with this. I’ve been making a lot of decisions to try new things that many people may not agree with, but they love me regardless, and I’m happy to have their support, knowing that, ultimately, I am control of my own destiny, and if I mess up, I’m responsible for it.

Finding love will happen… I feel more confident in this than ever. I will love myself enough to love others without letting my brain get in the way ever again.

We’ve only just begun….

The following is the paper I wrote for my human sexuality class…. my teacher loved it, and I’m quite proud of it myself!

Sexually Addicted or Sexually Compulsive?

Jason Norcross

California State University Long Beach

People throughout the world live their lives with addictions. Most of them are classic addictions such as alcoholism or an addiction to nicotine. Others are more severe and include a dependence on illegal drugs such as narcotics. Although these people feel the physical dependence these mind altering substances hold over them, others grapple with the problem of not knowing if what they are dealing with is actually classified as an addiction at all. Addiction is difficult to define, especially when it comes to emotional dependence. What qualifies as an addiction? As defined by dictionary.com, addiction is “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma” (dictionary.com, 2010). When referencing an emotional “addiction,” a concept such as sex addiction can become rather confusing to comprehend. Sex addiction can be seen as traditionally focusing on co-dependency. In one case, it becomes an emotional dependency and a game of seeking love of oneself through the approval of others – approval taking the form of sexual attraction. Is this sex addiction, or merely seeking said approval? Author Dr. Jennifer Schneider said it best when she wrote: “the most fundamental characteristic of co-dependency is looking outward for one’s self-worth” (Schneider, 1988).  And what of those that confuse sex addiction for compulsive behavior? Dr. Eli Coleman suggested that the model of addiction failed to differentiate between addiction and compulsion and that each term has been used interchangeably in the literature. This failure to differentiate leads to treatment designed for the addiction model to be incorrectly applied to a patient who needs treatment for compulsion (Coleman, 1990). So the question becomes, is sex addictive or compulsive? Does one feel withdrawal from sex, or sexual attention? If they do feel something, can it truly be labeled as a withdrawal symptom or a mere obsession? There are also different tiers of sexual addiction, including compulsive masturbation, addiction to pornography, compulsively using internet sex “hookup” sites, compulsively cheating on ones partner, and having sex with children. (Carnes, 1991) If there is withdrawal, do all of these stages of sexual addiction feel it? When examining withdrawal from an addiction standpoint, it is traditionally defined as “the syndrome of often painful physical and psychological symptoms that follows discontinuance of an addicting substance” (dictionary.com, 2010). Through careful examination of my self-diagnosed “sex addiction,” and the birth of my healthy sexual identity, I will be able to differentiate between compulsive behavior and addiction.

I’ll use my own marriage and experiences as an example of my struggles with the idea of sexual addiction. My current marriage began as a monogamous relationship. After three years of monogamy, my husband and I determined that our interest in sexual activity differed greatly – mainly that I was much more sexual than he. After I went outside the marriage once, we decided upon an open marriage and set some boundaries to keep things honest. Years later I found myself searching obsessively for sex online every night. I labeled myself a sex addict a few years after when I finally felt that I had reached rock bottom. I was going out almost nightly, meeting new men online and traveling to their homes to have sex with them, sometimes for free, and sometimes for pay. There was a time where I had put myself through the process of SAA (sex addicts anonymous). I had qualified myself as a sex addict after reading answering a few questions on their website. If you answer yes enough times, you’re a sex addict. One question sticks out in my mind. It reads: “Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?” (saa-recovery.org, 2010); upon further inspection of the question, I now realize that this applies for any compulsive behavior of which one is ashamed. I found the process of SAA too reliant on belief in a higher power for me to get any use out of it, and also found it uninspired – their processes are born from the same 12 steps used in Alcoholics Anonymous. It occurred to me that just because something worked for alcoholics it would not necessarily work for all so-called “addictions.” SAA isn’t the first to compare sexual addiction to alcoholism. In an article entitled Intervention and the Sexually Addicted Patient, the author writes: “the number one commonality seen in all addictive behavior is an attitude of the denial combined with the continuous demonstration of a ‘loss of control’” (Fearing 1998). The article goes further into how to treat the patient with a step based program. This was the perfect example of confusing the terms addiction and compulsion and applying the wrong technique to treat it. After falling out of touch with SAA, I repressed myself for a while after finding out that I had had sexual contact with someone who was diagnosed HIV positive. Even though my contact was incredibly minimal, limited to kissing and mutual masturbation, I was distressed enough to become inwardly celibate for eight months while waiting for HIV to become recognizable by a blood test. After those eight months had passed, I vowed never travel the road of sexual depravity again, but to explore the deeper meanings behind my sexual compulsion. I sought the advice of countless therapists. The interesting thing is that they all came to different conclusions regarding the root of my “addiction.” Some claimed I had issues with my brother abandoning me for his teenage friends, others called my addiction an eating disorder in disguise, and others insisted that I was seeking approval and didn’t even need the sex to obtain it. Of all of these solutions, I was most intrigued by the latter stating that I didn’t even need sex to feel fulfilled. Questions began filling my mind regarding the legitimacy of the term sexual addiction, and the practices involved in diagnosing and treating it.

Patrick Carnes, who developed and marketed the “idea” of sexual addiction, came up with a four-step cycle for how the brain of a sex addict should work. The four steps include preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive sexual behavior and despair; preoccupation meaning the search for sex, or the idea of the sexual activity; ritualization, meaning the acts leading up to the actual act of sex; compulsive behavior, meaning masturbation, bondage, etc,; and despair, meaning the feelings of guilt or helplessness associated with having completed the behavior (Carnes, 1991). In examining the different cycles a sex addict goes through, one can see a simple comparison – these qualities hold true for anyone with an addiction of any kind. These traits all represent anyone with compulsive tendencies, and to say that they make or break a sex addict beliles the very idea of proper diagnosis. The major problem with Carnes’ theory is when he starts to categorize sexual behavior in addicts into stages that preclude one another. The first stage includes excessive masturbation, and multiple partners. The second stage includes exhibitionism, voyeurism, and other fetishes, and the final stage includes child molestation, incest and rape. Carnes states that “the addict moves from one level of behavior to the next in search of excitement and satisfaction” (Carnes, 1991). Recalling my first hand experiences in SAA, I failed to recall any case where a member reported moving through these “stages of sexual addiction.” What of the people who embrace open marriages and live healthy lives with multiple partners; and how about those who embrace their fetishes as part of their sexual identity? Because of these faults, many sex researches reject his model, suggesting that “the idea of sexual addiction is really repressive morality in a new guise” (Strong, Yarber, Sayad, & DeVault, 2008)

This very statement causes me to think that the entire idea of sex addiction may be just that: an idea. In examining my own reasons for feeling ashamed and unhappy with my sexual expression, I found myself beginning to doubt the presence of sex addiction. Over the past year, I’ve begun to embrace the idea that sexuality and sexual expression are healthy when shared in an open, non-judgmental environment, such as my open marriage. When rules are properly set and partners are allowed to do as they please within the parameters set forth, the open marriage can be a healthy thing, at least in my own experience. I used to live a life of shame and unhappiness, and I do still find myself returning to that mindset; however, now that I’m cognizant of how shame contributes to the “I’m helpless” feeling, I find that I am only playing the victim when admitting those things. Ultimately accepting one’s sexual nature seems to be the real solution to treating “sex addiction.” The true problem here may stem from shame that is self inflicted due to values set in place by society. I felt shame for a long time over things that I didn’t understand, such as having an open marriage (even though my partner was perfectly fine with it), and enjoying certain fetishes. It was only until recently, where I embraced those fetishes and my open marriage that I began to find relief in the fact that I’m a healthy, normal individual simply discovering my sexual identity. Through all the shame I inflicted on myself, I never felt withdrawal from sexual activity; I realize now that I felt depression over the restrictions I placed because of the shame, and mistook that depression as withdrawal symptoms.

The complete lack of withdrawal symptoms had always troubled me when defining myself as a sex “addict.” I now know that I never suffered any withdrawal symptoms, other than emotional withdrawal – and that was self inflicted, not a result from the lack of sex. I found that the mere idea of having someone attracted to me, or the sense of feeling “wanted” or “needed” was ultimately what I was seeking, and not the actual sexual act itself. The only withdrawal I recall experiencing was that of a social nature. Since I was trying so desperately to develop my own sexual identity, I surrounded myself with people who shared the same interests as me, and when I felt ashamed, I shunned that part of my life, and those people, thus creating the “withdrawal” feeling.

In examining the differences between addiction and compulsion, and applying it to my own journey, the distinction between the two is clear. Practitioners in the psychology community are divided on the existence of sexual addiction to this day. The answer to the argument may lie in a simple semantics issue in defining what qualifies as an addiction and what qualifies as compulsive behavior. Once a clear distinction is reached, developing treatment for compulsive behavior that doesn’t mirror that of addictive behavior would be beneficial. In seeing how I was diagnosed three different ways, it seems the psychological community is already moving in that direction. What does that say for groups like SAA, and those researchers still trying to clearly define sex addiction? Can one be addicted to sex? It seems that excessive sexual activity fits better in the category of compulsive behavior and in less extreme cases merely trying to define ones sexual identity. Lucky for me, my experience took me through compulsion into finding my sexual identity. Perhaps one day a consensus will be reached with regard to sexuality and compulsive behavior, and not include a term like “addiction.” In the meantime, every time someone concludes that they are a sex addict, the journey of self shame will stifle the treatment of what could truly be compulsive behavior, or the beginning of someone else’s growing sexual identity. The choice ultimately lies with the individual, and their ability to decide for themselves the difference between addiction, compulsion, and healthy sexual behavior.

REFERENCES

addiction. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved May 17, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction

Carnes, P. (1991). Progress in sex addiction: An addiction perspective. In R.T. Francoeur (Ed.), Taking sides: Clashing views on controversial issues in human sexuality (3^rd ed.). Guilford, CT: Dushkin.

Coleman, E. (1990). The obsessive-compulsive model for describing compulsive sexual behavior. American Journal of Preventive Psychiatry and Neurology, 2, 9–14.

Fearing, J. (1998). Intervention and the sexually addicted patient. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 5(1), 15-25.

Schneider, J (1988). Back from betrayal (p. 43). Center City, Mn: Hazelden Educational Materials.

Sex Addicts Anonymous, (2005, September 2). Basic outreach pamphlet. Retrieved from http://saa-recovery.org/BasicOutreachPamphlet/

Strong, B., Yarber, W.L., Sayad, B.W., & DeVault, C. (2008). Human sexuality: diversity in contemporary america (6th ed.)(pp. 320-321). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

withdrawal. (n.d.). Merriam-Webster’s Medical Dictionary. Retrieved May 17, 2010, from Dictionary.com website:

If you’re not a fan of perceived negativity, any unhappy thoughts, or just intellectual exploration, I urge you to turn back now. I’m aware that this is incredibly public to many people, some who know me, some who claim to, and others who are just fans, but I don’t really see a need to hide all that is me when I’m so “public.” Public… that’s funny really. As a culture we’ve devolved into knowing less about one another and ourselves through the perception of being complete open books on the Internet. I find it fascinating, honestly. I place so much of myself into the Internet… through videos, media, music, and facebook, yet, really, in all honesty, the most accurate representation of me is when I write. I write to get it all out (what’s in my brain, that is). It’s where I can be most eloquent. It’s where, even if no one ever bothers to read, I know that the word is out there, out of my psyche, and into the world. It’s like an energy wave exploding out from every direction of my body.

I used to feel so invincible. I used to believe in so much. Ultimately, love, life, and friendships have been my goals in life. Usually when I get these things, I push them away. I’ve tried so hard to do this in every aspect. I don’t know if I consciously do it, but it seems that it is what I do. I can’t honestly be this stupid, can I? I mean, I’ve made my husband’s life horrible this past year and put him through so much emotional shit, making him doubt himself in ways no human should ever have to. I’ve taken part in drastically changing the lives of several people who are now close to me. I’m happy they’ve all taken steps in the positive direction, and I’m even happier that they’ve chosen to include me in that life they wish to build. I’m sad, however, because…. well honestly, I don’t know why I’m sad. I don’t know why I’m sad… I’ll say it again, I don’t know why I’m sad. I don’t know what it is I want to happen. I don’t know what has to change in order to ultimately make this feeling of inadequacy go away. It all sounds so overly dramatic and a huge waste of time, I’m honestly sick of it myself. I’m also sick of people telling me things I already know. I know that I’m dramatic. I know that I think too much. I know that I’m too analytical. I know that I push away people who care and pursue a lot of people who wouldn’t do the same for me that others have. I know that all of these feelings are overly dramatic and that no one can  help me figure it out.

So, I seem to know it all, but what does that mean? What’s the point of knowing if one can’t make heads or tails of any situation. I’m sitting here, feeling very alone, when all I really need to do is wake up my husband and ask him to hold me and love me. Instead, I don’t want to bother him. I took a huge step by texting a lot of people letting them know that I could use human presence in my life. One response, no result. Sure it’s after midnight, but still, I took a chance. I don’t know where this is going, or why I’m even typing it. I’m sitting here hoping that if I keep typing that something will leak out and by doing so I’ll gain perspective as to why I’m in the place I’m in. Still no luck.

It all boils down to this: I don’t love myself. In fact, I very much hate myself. I hate who I’ve become. I hate who I am on the inside. I hate that I’m a manipulative person. I hate that instead of enjoying life that I have to find fault in it. I hate that in order to have quality relationships, and have people around me that love me. that I need to repress these feelings, or explain them outright. How can I fully explain something that I don’t understand? I sound like a broken record when I try, so I just say that I don’t know what my problem is. When I finally feel like I’m about to grasp that brass ring that is balance, self acceptance, happiness, etc, I get knocked back down by silly problems that keep reoccurring.

I go to places of extreme unhappiness. I go to place where I see no future for myself. I go to a place where I don’t feel needed, so I don’t want to exist at all. Why do I have this extreme want to be needed at all times? What is it? Ultimately I feel like if someone doesn’t need me for something, that my need to exist diminishes. I don’t need myself, so if others don’t need me either, then what’s the point? Maybe that’s why community and belonging to one are so important to me. Maybe that’s why I like working around a lot of people, or alone (as long as others see and comment on my work). But what’s the deal with that? What is the purpose of this need to feel wanted and accepted? Why is it so basic? Why does it bring me down so quickly? This is why I push everyone away. When they don’t need me for something, then I don’t want them around, because I’m not getting anything out of the relationship. The thing I tell everyone when I meet them is total bullshit…. I realize this now. “After people are done using me, they leave me alone and go on with their lives.” That can’t be further from the truth… I’m not a healer. I’m starting to believe that I’m a leach; or, an energy vampire with a really amazing disguise. I’m the nice one… the one who wants to help… the one who wants to inspire… the one who needs your approval in order to survive. Yes, that’s the truth. I need approval from others in order to value myself… the baser instincts are much more difficult to hold in. It makes me angry that I don’t want to do things for people without their thanks. I don’t want want to be selfless. I don’t want to be kind without reward. I judge people constantly. These are all things that make me not a good person. I’m not a good person. I’m not the person people think I am… this pathetic person who seeks constant approval and “love” from as many people as possible in order to justify his own existence is who I am… and I hate him with a passion. I finally understand. Seeing it for what it is… it’s not easy. It’s not fun… and its not worthy of being commented upon or appreciated for any reason.

People always say they find inspiration in my depression and my exploration of that. How do you explain this? What can be gained from this? Am I just typing this to get more attention and admiration for my honest exploration of why I hate myself, or am I trying to fix the one thing that is truly broken in my brain that hinders all progress in my life? Even though I say I’m this horrible, the one thing people can genuinely say for me is that I’m sincere when I speak, and perhaps that is my saving grace? I’m here, stripped naked, and fully explorable. I’m a cautionary tale that can be used to improve your life.

“We all are love, and love is hard… we’re hard to love… “

I can’t believe that I just wrote all of that, but it’s truly what circles around in my brain. I recall writing in my older journal these types of feelings and ultimately coming to peace with the terms of my condition. I don’t think I’m playing it up. But, through this exploration of what’s going on in my head, I do feel better. I’m sincere when I say these things in my head… about myself. And when I’m able to admit these things to myself, I find solace in that I understand who I am, even though I don’t like this person very much.

It’s thoughts like this that make me want to run away from the world I’ve created for myself, away from everyone I know, and focus on just myself, my marriage, my health, and my future, instead of the others around me, and how I obsess over their approval… and how much they need me. Because what happens when no one needs me? I get really sad and pathetic and obsess… instead of taking care of myself. I find myself doing the same thing with Robert now, and I don’t want to do that with him… hell I don’t want to do it with anyone, yet I do, and I don’t know how to fix the problem other than running away and just taking a long break from life and focusing on just me. The hilarious thing is that I’ve set myself up to fail in this… I can’t run away. I’ve set up a net to catch me if I try, because I’ve warned all those in my life that I do this (push people away). So what is the solution? Stop thinking? Stop trying? I don’t have one… but I do know that I’m one step closer to the solution by admitting all of this to myself… public or not.

There’s hope in there somewhere… I like to think so.

Indeed, it is 8am. As I sit here typing this in my college library, I find myself in a state of lethargic apathy. Before I begin this journey, first let me state that I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’ve missed my first class, hence why I’m sitting in the library (my first professor berates anyone that walks in late, and I’m just not having that). Upon realising that I was late I decided to stop into the school book store to pick up a textbook for my human sexuality class. I’ve been waiting for this book for some time because it had been back ordered; my excitement stemmed from the fact that I have taken a 200 level human sexuality class at my junior college, and this is to be a 400 level class… so yeah, more in depth. Low and behold when I picked up the book it looked strangely familiar… yes, indeed, it was simply a NEWER edition of the book I already have at home — the asking price a mere $140. I flipped through the pages to verify that it was indeed the same book, with just newer pictures and captions, and I was right.

This, of course, led to my current thought process. Is school really for me? Am I just racking up large amounts of debt to get a job that pays more so that I can pay off the debt? When, in reality, I could work hard, start my own companies, and make less without a degree (or more depending on the industry). What does the piece of paper really mean any more? Yeah, I could understand if I was going to school on grants, or self payment, but I’m going on loans… which, of course, need to be paid back upon my completion (or termination) of said education. But am I really any smarter than if I wasn’t attending school? I used to think so. I think that getting my AA really opened my eyes to responsibility and hard work. I think it matured me. This process, however, of getting my BA (BS with Double Major) is starting to wane on my patience. The arbritrary deadlines of being to school by 8am, papers, reports, group projects, etc. are just getting downright tiresome. Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe I’m too old for this…? The students here are all so young, and seem to think this is the only way to a better life, when I tend to disagree. My original intent for attending school was to learn more about something I was passionate about. That passion has taken several nose dives and I find myself at odds with my ideals and social standards when it comes to what defines an educated person. Does a degree dictate intelligence? Normally, yes. Having lived in the world longer than most of these kids I tend to think on a grayer scale, believing that life experience and hard work seem just as valuable in my book. The question remains: what would I do otherwise? I work in retail. I have an AA in psychology. Without going to school, what path do I take? Pay off debt, and then what? At least with school I have the small guarentee that I’ll have a piece of paper (eventually) that says I’m qualified for certain positions better than the one I currently hold. Without that I’ll always just be a guy with an Associates in Psychology (which means nothing, really).

I think there’s something to be said for my success in life thus far. I’ve managed to move thousands of miles from home and cultivate a new life in a foreign state and live on my own with my husband. We’ve faced countless financial difficulties, as well as many other obstacles and have overcome them all. This could be a direct result of the fact that because I’m in school that I can use the loan money however I see fit, and it seems to come at the times when we need it most. So… I’m staying in school just to pay bills? Wait, but I’m making my bills worse by taking out the loans. This seems incredibly counter-intuitive to me…. but I digress.

What is my path supposed to be? I know many successful people who have no degrees, and I know others who have degrees and don’t use them for anything. Does going to college make me a more rounded person. What the fuck does that even mean? This could all be pointless rambling stemming from the fact that I’m angry I missed my first class, will probably get a parking ticket today, and didn’t get much sleep. Mood and motivation are very subjective. That all combined with the simple fact that I’ve been feeling rather down on myself lately could culminate to my current state of mind, namely: confused and irritated.

Let’s examine life without school: I work retail, make YouTube videos, I’m married with a cat, and have a marginallyactive social life. What does that future hold? Am I striving for more? I’m not seeing an affirmative. I think I’m in a constant state of evolution where I really don’t know what I want out of life. I’m hoping that this semester helps me determine my proper path. I’m taking an introductory course in Industrial and Organizational Psychology (a newer field which actually interests me) and I could see this becoming my focus (and also just dropping the nutrition gig all together). Weight loss is fun and motivating but I don’t know if it’s right for me any more. It gets frustrating at times… we’ll see if this I/O Psych pans out for me or not. I’m a college senior (with years to go) and I’m still so confused about what to do with my life. It seems like such a silly song and dance. Everyone around me knows their path while I feel so fuzzy and unsure.

Well I suppose I don’t have much else to think about. I don’t even know if people read this any longer… but some insight would be nice if anyone still does. I’m not looking for a Yes or No to quitting school, because honestly I don’t think that’ll happen. I just don’t know my path….

My resignation letter:

I, Jason Norcross, employee #??????, hereby resign my position as consultant with Jenny Craig, after 2 years of loyal work, with no notice. Effective 11/30/2009, my employment contract with said company shall expire. I do this on my own terms, and understand that by giving no notice of my departure that I waive my right to be reemployed by Jenny Craig in the future.

I’ve turned in my key, which, to my knowledge, is the only company property I’m in possession of. All name badges have been destroyed and/or thrown away.

I’d like to say that working here has been a pleasure, but I can’t. Ideally the people I’ve met have been rather nice, but as a company Jenny Craig fails to retain employees for many reasons, some of which include: poor pay structure, non-customer service based incentives, poor pay, horrible training, lack of company wide ethics, lack of consistency, and discrimination against male employees (which I’ve addressed several times). I’d like to think that my feedback will be taken seriously, but based on my two years of experience with this company, I don’t expect anyone to actually see or read this. So, I’ll leave it at that. Have a fantastic day!

This won’t be terribly long. I just wanted to let people know that I haven’t forgotten about this blog — just my world has been a rollercoaster lately and I’ve not really thought too much about this blog. I did however get to make my epic return to YouTube video, of which I’m immensely proud. I’d like you to view it here:

Life is in a moment of change for everyone around me… the funny thing is, mine isn’t. So the best thing I can do for those around me dealing with major life change is to be there and be supportive! I, on the other hand, as a result of not working for 2 weeks because of my surgery, am going to have other tribulations with money (paying rent, etc) which was to be expected, but now I actually have to deal with it. It’s not stressful for me, and I know I’ll be okay.

I plan to write in this more often, because I’m proud of what world I’ve created on the Internet, and I should show my thanks more often!

I just finished re watching the Glee pilot episode. It has caused me to begin rethinking my path in life… reflection can be a curious and dangerous thing all at the same time. I recall going to college the first time and really focusing my path on getting that degree to work with children and major in music. Something about that path left me feeling empty. The questions I’m beginning to ask myself are: was it the path itself that was the sour experience? Was it the department at that college? Was it the actual experience? Was it the people? Was it that I wasn’t mature enough for college at that moment in life, and, as a result of a low GPA, losing my scholarship caused me to drop out of school? Was it that I worked with Americorps teaching kids and felt more like their father than a teacher? Was it that I was coming out of the closet and discovering my identity at that time and didn’t have time for school because I had to redefine my sense of self?

Scouring my journal from the past (http://tboss.livejournal.com) I find that I was really lost in college (around 2001). I was more concerned with my looks, popularity in the gay community, making friends, etc. I don’t think I gave it a fair chance, and as a result, I failed. So why does it come up now? Well… the words of Emma from Glee keep echoing in my head… “What do you want to teach your children… that money is more important than doing something you’re truly passionate about in life?” …. powerful… cheesy, yet so true. I’ve always lived my life against the grain of societal standards, albeit at times on purpose, but with my head held somewhat high knowing that I was doing the right thing for myself. That’s how I was able to get out of a small town in South Jersey and end up Southern California, married to a man, an advocate for social change (in college, and in life), and back in school with a clear path ahead of me. Let’s examine that path:

Currently I’m on the path of a double major in psychology and nutrition. With a Bachelors in psychology I can do well… nothing. The nutrition program will take me on to get certified as an RD. At that point I’d have to go to graduate school for psychology and get my MA, and then eventually begin doing research in the field I wish to create (something involving research in weight loss, with a psychological emphasis,) thus creating my own field in psychology. Hopefully the results would produce something conclusive, in which case I could get published, get my PhD, and then open my weight loss center as a successful researcher who has found the new key to successful weight loss. This isn’t a pipe dream, but it’s a hell of a lot of work. Viewing the majority of people I work with now, most of them don’t want a fix that’ll take years of delving through the mind to find the confidence in order to lose the weight. They want magic food or a magic pill or a hardcore personal trainer to kick their ass and make them lose weight through self shaming and detriment. I mean, that’s what most weight loss isn’t it? Very few people find the path to self love and worth… even fewer interpret that path to be a correlation between happiness and weight loss. Still, to this day, I don’t love myself as I should. I’m still incredibly self destructive in many aspects in my life. I know that I won’t ultimately succeed in weight loss until I unlock that key in my mind. I mean, afterall, being overweight is a way of hiding the hate we have inside… our outward appearance is a mere reflection of our self worth. I’ve made a name for myself online… I know weight loss inside and out, and I’ve help people through my own experience. I love what I do on YouTube.

The other path would have me dropping the nutrition major and taking up music again. My biggest beef with the music department in Jersey was that it felt incredibly judgmental and competitive.  I’d have to remaster my instrument (trombone) and then learn piano again to the point of mastery. From here I’d need to get my master’s in music education and, on the side, do many performances and take part in a lot of musical things on the side. I’d also need to get my teaching credentials… but then I’d get to inspire students with music… my passion. I’m much more passionate about music than I am about anything else. Music can change lives, inspire people to do glorious things, and move mountains. It has always been my muse in my most creative moments. Even at this moment, I’m listening to music as I type this. It makes the words fall out of my brain and through my fingertips and onto the screen.

The downsides of both:

For weight loss: I look at the clientele I’d be working with and realize they want a quick fix. The price I’d have to charge of my service would be quite high because of my level of training and the fact that it really would work and yield results. However, it wouldn’t be overnight results. People like quick fixes in the weight loss industry, and many people to this day don’t acknowledge the power of the mind, calling it a crock of shit. People like things they can control, and their mind is the last thing on that list… psychotherapy would have them relinquish control to the people helping them in order to empower them and many people may find that uncomfortable.

For music: I’d have to relearn my instrument… not from scratch of course. But I’m a bit rusty. I’d have to really commit to a strict practice schedule and master my art. I run the risk of hating the music department again. I may go through the whole program to find that students aren’t as passionate about music as they used to be. The arts are being cut from schools left and right for sports programs. I could go through college and get my degree only to be at the whim of the departments need for music teachers…

Ultimately, I have no clue. At least with the weight loss career I’m making my own path and have more job options. I think this is the point that I need to either accept a part of me that loves music again, or really just give up on it, admitting defeat and giving up any hope of having it be a part of my future. Do I need to make this decision RIGHT NOW? No… not at all. But it is on my mind. I thought I would write about it here to gain perspective in a few days and perhaps get some feedback. Ultimately I’m happy being creative in any aspect, and as long as I can create something, I’ll be happy. It’s when I shut that part of myself down that I begin feeling helpless and unimportant. That, above all else, cannot happen, regardless of the path I choose….

Explain myself? Seriously? Explain myself? I received a comment a few entries ago from someone asking me to explain why I’m qualified to help people lose weight when I have no degree in such…. I was asked not to take offense. It’s difficult for me not to, yet I’m doing my best. Honestly, the reason I’m getting a degree in nutrition is for this exact reason: so people don’t ask me these questions. However, I have been studying nutrition both at school, and my own, have “lived” the weight loss lifestyle through its ups and downs, and I’m not at my perfect weight yet, which makes me easier to identify with. Honestly, I never presented myself as a nutritionist or personal trainer on my flier… merely as a weight loss consultant. Not only that, but I have a stellar background in customer service in business practices. One sentence in the comment bothered me particularly… the rest doesn’t matter:

“We spend all this time and money, to become QUALIFIED to do our jobs, yet you think you can all of a sudden be a ‘weight loss and life coach or whatever’ because you once were big and are now small. Again, I’m not trying to sound mean, but for someone that still seems to have plenty of struggles with his own health journey, I don’t see how logical it is to think you should be teaching others…ESPECIALLY at that price.”

Seriously? It’s not that simple… I wasn’t just “big” and then suddenly got smaller. Honestly, the label of “nutritionist” is meaningless in our society. ANYONE can call themselves such and have it be accurate. A registered dietitian is something different, and deals more with the medical side of things. I know my limitations, and there aren’t many. And honestly, I think that the fact that I have had SO many struggles with my weight loss makes me a very strong candidate for helping others. I’ve lived the journey, and it wasn’t easy, and I’m in the final lap. I can identify with people and I’m compassionate and empathic to their needs and concerns. My price is actually MUCH lower than a nutritionist or RD would charge here in CA and I think it’s not much to ask from someone that wants another person to consult and help them as a life coach.

To the person that wrote this, I’m sorry you’re full of so much anger. I’m sorry you felt the need to try to discourage me on my path. If the fact that I’ve got the “get up and go” attitude enough to start my own business and pursue my passion bothers you so much, please don’t read my blog or watch videos I’m in. Your words don’t make me wary in any sense. I know that if someone came to me with diabetes, within reason, I know how to help them… I’m trained in diabetic exchanges in food. I know how to help people with wheat allergies. I know how to help people who are vegetarian (lacto, ovo, and lacto-ovo), as well as vegans, non-processed eaters, and raw foodists. I know how to facilitate an active lifestyle and have been certified by the Cooper Institute in order to do so. I know how to support people with weight loss mindsets, as well as common eating styles and how to help them overcome such. I’ve lived it as much as any person who struggles with their weight loss has, so before you come to my blog, and tell me that I’m unqualified you may want to know who you’re talking to. You don’t know me, and after meeting me and hearing what I have to offer I’m sure you’d be singing a much different tune. I’ve had a 100% conversion rate on clients that meet with me, yes, all the people that have met me for the first time have agreed to have me help them with weight loss, and yes, at that price that seems so high to you because I don’t have a paper that “proves” I know what I’m talking about. I hope to God you have more compassion for your clients once you reach your schooling goals… because based on how you degrade my journey into “you were once big and now you’re small” sure doesn’t sound very compassionate to me.

I’d like to give a special thank you to everyone that caught the grammar and spelling errors on the first version of the flier. They’ve been corrected. We made it at like 2AM so that’s why I posted it knowing people would help me out.

I apologize to anyone this post offended… I hate having to explain myself yet I understand that, at times, it IS necessary.

Excuse me while I get back to my life now….

“The struggle defines the quality of the life and the strength of the spirit inside.”

Holy crap, you know I’m falling apart when I don’t update this blog. Where have I been? Hell, even I don’t know the answer to that question. The quick version of it would be that I’ve been feeling inadequate, depressed, and deprived… all tell-tale signs that my eating plan is not for me.

I’ve had a bit of a renaissance in terms of my eating plan. I’m going back in time one step, but I’m not pretending I didn’t read the raw foods book. I’m very excited about the information I’ve learned from it, but at the same time, applying that book to my life left me feeling so deprived that I resorted to things I haven’t done in months (ordering a whole pizza and eating it, and eating large quantities of peanut butter). Lucky for me I was able to go to the gym after the pizza and kick my own ass… sure I’m still in the red for that day but 1000 calories later at the gym I felt much better about my calorie intake.

I’ve one month left to finish what I’ve started. The scale isn’t moving as much as I want it to, but my body shape is. You’ll recall that I recently fit into a 34 waist pant, which, in all honesty, is a HUGE milestone. I want to improve on that. I want to be smaller… I want to have to replace all my pants with 34’s confidently. I want to pump up the intensity at the gym. These things all will occur, but in order for that to happen, I need to treat my body right.

So, goal #1 for August is to get to bed at a reasonable time. I’m not staying up past 11pm any more. I need sleep for my body to heal, for my metabolism to rejuvenate, and for my mind to rest. I need to feel alive enough to go to the gym and give it my all. I need to be healthy and no longer have this annoying cold that makes it hard to breathe while I run. I have something to prove, and the harshest critic is watching me every step of the way, namely, myself. I must succeed in some form… and I will!

I think in weight loss, no matter what size we are, we have to remember to weigh the pro’s and the pro’s. If the scale isn’t moving how you want it to, find something else to celebrate. What did I do this week that I’m proud of? This week I managed to hit the gym after a major binge and take my red line down from 1450 calories over to only 300 over. It felt very gratifying and empowering and I can’t wait to do it again (not the binging, but the exercise). I’ll be well rested enough to hit the gym tomorrow, and for the next three weeks straight. Yes, I said it: I’m going to hit the gym every day and burn the crap out of my body until I can’t even move any more. My 21 day challenge to myself, starting tomorrow (Sunday 8/9/09) through 8/29/09, I’m going to hit the gym every day for at minimum an hour. I must go, though. No more walking, no more workouts at home. I must burn as many calories and tone as much muscle as possible. I won’t be tired because I’m going to sleep normal hours and eat an awesome plan that envelops all of what I’ve learned over the past 3 years with regard to portion control, exchanges, calorie counting, non-processed eating, and raw foods. I will be successful, and I won’t feel deprived. By the end of August, I’m going to fit comfortably into a 34 with no problem, and be below 190. This I vow to myself. If the 190 doesn’t happen, but everything else does, I still succeed, knowing that my extreme workouts may have caused a weight plateau… but I’ll look and feel great!

The Ultimate Challenge

What are you waiting for? Go work out!

Yes, my first appointment is tomorrow (today). Shanti and I stayed up all night working on this flyer —- she did such an awesome job putting it together, and I can’t wait to start getting this business going. I feel so positive about it!